First-time commenter Jhane Sez contributed something profound and thought-provoking in the recent conversation about whether to have sex before commitment. JS is a mother whose daughter will go to college next year – exactly the same place I was in when I began really thinking and talking about these issues. I want to extend a warm welcome to Jhane Sez – I hope we’ll be hearing more from her. 

I really can’t imagine a more thoughtful strategy or more effective implementation. Here goes:

In my late 20’s I went for 5 years without having sex.

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See, I was interested in a LTR and had made a decision that I would end my pattern of throwing caution to the wind and started using my head and my grandmother’s advice, not my heart, to make my partner choice.

My grandmother said that you find out everything you need to know about a man in the first 12 weeks of dating… and you should know a man before you sleep with him. And you should know a man for all 4 seasons before you marry him.

I believe in doing what is proven to be successful… not following the exception to the rule. Having been a serial monogamist in what I considered short term, temporary relationships that would last a year or two, I knew that if I wanted a different result I would have to do different things.

So I went to granny and had a very long series of no holds barred conversations. I literally took notes, and then I took action.

I dated a lot, about 2 to 3 times a week… and I learned even more. Not just about men, but what I wanted from them and in a relationship.

And what I found was that a man who wasn’t willing to wait the 12 weeks wasn’t worth waiting for, because his end game wasn’t the same as mine.

For the purposes of full disclosure, let me say I LOVE sex, but in order for me to fully enjoy the act… in all its variations, I have to really, really, REALLY know the guy…. there are no exceptions to this rule.

And I was very upfront about that fact to the men I dated.

If I dated a guy and I wasn’t feeling ‘it’ I did not string him along or friendzone a dude for my own benefit.

I wasn’t a tease, but I let my values and feeling be known from the beginning so he wouldn’t feel lead on.

I NEVER paid for dates, but would send hand written thank you cards, baked goods, etc, and I would make dinners comparable to the ones he treated me to at restaurants.

I would engage in displaying sexual interest, kissing, petting, making out, but there was no in, in or in, without monogamous commitment… big ups to Patty from the Millionaire Matchmaker for that simplification.

And while my discoveries might seem unremarkable to most reading here… they were revolutionary to me.

I discovered that most of the guys I dated just wanted to get laid first and figure out if they wanted a relationship later, or they wanted a relationship that would allow them to keep their options open while they waited for the better deal.

I wasn’t interested.

I wanted a LTR that could lead to marriage… I wanted love and commitment

I didn’t want temporary, maybe, or not you, not now… I wanted yes you and all the time.

Some men came close, but we parted ways because of lifestyle issues that would have broken our bond eventually, even if we had great sex. There are the obvious deal breakers and then there are the more subtle ones that you discover after you get to really know someone, that will ultimately kill a relationship.

And I didn’t want to enter into a relationship with an expiration date already stamped on it. So I waited.

I met a lot of great guys, who weren’t a fit for me, but we are still really cool. I don’t think that I would ever be accused of friendzoning, because as we parted they understood my goals and romantic dreams and we parted with a deep mutual respect. I even fixed up a few, when I thought there was a good fit for someone I knew.

The truth is I can’t get a man out of my life once we have dated, unless he dies or leaves the country… or we just really hate each other.

But I digress…

My point here is that everyone deserves love with their sex. The real thing… not some turtle wax consolation prize, and you only get that… by getting to know the other person.

I fell, head-over-heals-all-the-songs-on-the-radio-made-sense in love with Significant Other who didn’t care if it was 12 weeks or 20 because he only wanted to be with me.

And he got it in 8… but again for transparency, we’d met in college and reconnected in our 30’s… but he’s still got me like a Jill Scott song… 10 years later and I still get goosebumps… when he touches me.

What did I ultimately gain from waiting you ask.

I think about this frequently in fantasy, what would have this guy been like, what that one would feel like… but that I keep in my head because I know that it’s just a fantasy, it’s not the real thing #thankubillyjoel.

But the truth is that giving all those other dudes a chance, even at the rate of 1 per year would only add to my body count… to at least a plus 5. And would leave me sadder and more jaded as each relationship failed.

And if I am really honest, I know this because, as it has been stated here women are more intuitive… we know.  And I would’ve known that it wouldn’t work with those plus 5 guys.

We know from the jump when it isn’t going to work, but we hope, and then it ends…. the tensions mount and then its on with the body count.

I am now 40 with a teenaged daughter a year away from the college hook up culture that she will have to navigate… and I am terrified, which is why I am here.

I am 10 years removed from the SMP, but she is just beginning her journey. My mother and my wise granny are long gone. All I have is technology and social media to prevent her from making my mistakes… to ease her path.

So I write my story, with Cat Stevens ‘Wild World’ playing in the background. I hope she listens and can hear me…

When I say… wait… please wait, not forever or until marriage, but  for a good guy, the right man, because he is out there.

To all  my younger sisters, who are somebodies daughters, I say, I implore, please…

Wait ~JS

In the ten years that Jhane Sez has been off the market, conditions have worsened, but that does not lessen the truth or power of her words. She is wise. Her prescription is not for those who pursue short-term gratification. She is talking about the Long Game. If you want to marry, and you have the fortitude to persevere and turn away the oh-so-tempting “no relationship” types, I believe JS’s approach is worth serious consideration.